Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
