I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
