I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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