matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
