I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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