Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
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