I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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