Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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