Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
