She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Randomize
