i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
there is glitter all over my balls
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