i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
