Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Randomize
