i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
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Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
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I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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