Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
