my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
