His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
