Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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