I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
