there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
