1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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