Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
