and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Is it because I queefed?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
