I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
