the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
