3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
