i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Randomize