Please, let me fuck your mom
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Semen is not good for contacts.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
