Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
