he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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