Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
