My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Randomize
