Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
