I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
