The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
