I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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