dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
