he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Randomize
