I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
