I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
