literally had 100 drinks last night.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
