Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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