from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
