Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
