I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
You're a waste of cheezeits
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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