i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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