I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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