I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
