why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Randomize
