DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Randomize
