So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
