I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
