Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
