I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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