So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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