i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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