i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
be right there i have to get my cape
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
