Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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