help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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