She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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