naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
