I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Randomize
